Bushed outlander


 

 

I am 35. I have 3 kids and quite an interesting life behind me. Sometimes I wonder why things are happening, why I am walking on this road. Right now I feel lost, feel like a total stranger in my country.

 

 

Briefly about me: I grew up in Hungary but moved to Sweden for loooove 🙂 in my early twenties. I lived and worked there, had a rather good job actually…more about that to come. And there came those conventional kids as it usually is after some years in a relationship. 2 girls, half Hungarian, half  Swedish with incredible blond hair and with great cheerfulness. You would think that I had everything. As a matter of fact I did not or leastways I felt unhappiness.

 

After 8 years I became more and more uncomfortable and I felt I could not take any more of the Swedish climate, people and primarily my boyfriend (noop, not husband) so I decided to move back to Hungary. I felt so much of a discrimination against me, I was just an immigrant along those refugees that were forced to flee their countries, even though I went there of my own free-will. I felt alone and defenceless.

I came to a point where I did not have any good thoughts about Sweden and I was idealizing life and people in Hungary.

Now I know that it was a phase almost everyone that is moving to an other country goes through. At the same time not having a good relationship and a person to lean on made me run, I wanted to be happy and I thought Hungary had that for me. I was sooo wrong!

After a stormy autumn we agreed on having the kids half-half of the time until they start school and I took my girls and my suitcase and I moved back to my apartment I luckily still had at that time. But still I was terrified that he would go to court and try to take them away from me 😦 .

Not so long time after that I found myself totally involved in a new relationship. Stormy it was. It came like a hurricane, he stole my heart directly. We bought a house together and I found myself pregnant after just some months. Kid nr. 3…  Oh my God! He would wanted to get married, but when I found out about my pregnancy I said no. I really did not want to get married pregnant! Was I wrong?

 

Now I wake up being a mom of 3 great children, two girls and a boy, 9, 7 and 4 years old. And of course I am still not married. Somehow I managed to temporize it, not consciously though. And still I am unhappy, everything seems so out-of-the-world, so strange. Now I am longing for Sweden, life felt so much more secure and predictable there. Not being able to find a job in Hungary adds fuel to the fire too. There must be so much more to life than this? Or am I preordained to give up all my carreerism and just serve my family self-devoted?

Having such thoughts that maybe something is wrong with me that I never can be fully contented freaks me out. Am I asking for too much?

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